“Challenging Times…”

This phrase seems to be common and pervasive as of late.

Yet, I am wondering if the words are common and indicated with more frequency, though the times of challenge have been the same as they frequently had in times before. The question that comes to mind is, “Does our perspective or cognition’s of the past determine the times? Do the “times” dictate the response or the response dictate the times? I don’t know. I don’t profess to know all. I know a little, and what little I know I know I know a little. My friend with the last name Little would be laughing right now if he knew I was admitting to this. And even then the Little that I know, literally, isn’t someone or something that I know all of.

So this winding of thought, and twisting of meaning has sort of a point. Do our brains twist our memories or current beliefs into something that is self serving?

Absolutely.

I read recently about the idea of self absorption having the root of it in the egocentric views of sin. Sin is centrist toward ourselves. An all encompassing focus on ourselves and this view is detestable to a Maker. Think of it just in the sense of your offspring, if you have them. Is their self absorption and want what is best or good for them? No, not completely. Granted there are needs for sure, but when they are unbalanced there is definite extreme and the extremes are often pointed at ourselves and making ourselves central. The centrality of our self focus reduces connection with others and leads to isolation. My stomach turns at the thought and my mind spurns the thought of more of distance during these Corona Days.

Husbands and wives have entered into the space that I provide for them to attempt to figure out how centrally focused they are as people. Many times in our initial meeting, I have found their focus to be grossly disproportionate, and frequently they are not professing to desire each others best interest in the processes they are determining for themselves. I love these moments, because I find myself gently asking them to turn their attention to another shape, another view, an other. It’s so difficult in the midst of our self activity to see or attune to that of an other. However, it is the delight I have in the moment to help them to do so. It’s then that they have a choice and their true heart or desire for themselves or the other is shown.

It’s a 50/50 chance in my opinion, as they turn toward one another, but I am not that great with statistics. I suppose you are getting the idea that I don’t know much in this post. Perhaps that is the truth. Perhaps my second guessing my thoughts reduces the power of the post. Perhaps you are wondering whether or not this writing is of worth. Admittedly I am asking myself whether I need to stop and consider my words, even to the point of refraining from continuing to even keep typing. The 50/50 is something that I am admitting is a gamble. A gamble you may say that is worthwhile or not depending on where you are in relationship with your spouse or another person. Asking specifically the couple to change themselves is hard for me to do at times and scary. Sometimes they humble themselves and it is beautiful. Those are the sessions that I feel a lot of joy, purpose and hope following the close of the time. Sometimes, however, the couple is so hardened the only change they want is to get away from each other. A fight or flight experience. Facing the pain or the pain in an other is so hard, because one see’s or feels felt and ends up having to choose whether to expose their own pain or view the pain of an other. I have found pain to be a powerful emotional motivator. Some run toward it to fix it, while others run away and shrink back.

A well known principle that popped into my mind is this. Love one another. I find it ironic that the healing effort or energy in this phrase invites us to use the energy of love in a flow that is toward and against. The love from one is used for an other. Given toward an other and away from me. Should this not happen then there isn’t a perpetuation of sorts of love. Think about the deepest and most intimate memory you can think of. Was there a giving? Was there a selflessness? Was their a gifting? Was their a humble acceptance that occurred in the transaction? Something of the sort could be answered as yes to all the questions. Was love the antidote to a relationship you have had? Yes, but not the movie version of love. Not the dopamine high. Not the self love of perpetuating our own kind or purposes. This self love taken to it’s fullest extreme flies against the ideas of phileo and agape love. Self love is in direct opposition to the true principles of what gives life and destroys connection. Many sit in the hollowness of their hearts wondering where there is meaning, purpose, value in their life. Many times we fill our hollows by realizing that if we give all we have away, then their is space for an other to come in a create, renew, bless, and fill the hollow or space in the way that we could not have done for ourselves.

Surrender plays such a role in all of this. The pride in me and the pride in the other of the self love focused persons and propagation of self love in our society has a core emotional energy based in fear, and not in peace. The fear in me says there won’t be enough for myself if I give of myself to the point of nothing and surrender my life for another.

Recently I heard the encouragement of what it would be like to leave behind old past things and pour into the present and future the life I am living instead of focused on fixing the past. That means that I need to find and recognize the ways I utilize my focus to release the focus from the past mindset and turn my attuning and attention to the future.

I remember playing with the dials of my parents AM/FM tuner. It was quite larger than the phone app in my pocket today. It meant that I had to be in the space where the radio was and not able to take it with me. It meant that I had to conform or change to something rather than the device conforming to me. It meant that I had to connect my ears to the sound coming from the speakers to concentrate my energy into my fingertips to adjust the dial “just so” until the clear tones of the vibrations coming from the 3 foot high boxes nearby were pleasant and without static in my finely tuned physical receiver in my own head. My brain. Have you ever thought about how we all have a different receiver since we all have a different brain? Anyways…

The energy I placed into the effort, and the energy that was replaced was balanced and some would say even greater received with the music or stories I listened to. As I gave “love” or energy to the tuning of the apparatus it came back not only in pleasant tunes, but also in data and information that excited my mind. Gave me information for life. This is because my mother loved listening to stations that were Christ-centric. Biblically focused and that focused on information and research of scholars that were working on finding more and teaching others about the things they were discovering in choosing to express and obey the principles of Biblical literature. Later in life I am finding that such words are life giving to me. Even the sounds of the voices that I was working to tune into in those days are incredibly life giving and soothing to me today. The cadence, crescendo, and the reverberation of the music and voices move me to this day because it hearkens back to a time in which much of those tones and etchings in my mind and heart were begun and have remained.

This fact and thought in me is bringing us in this post back to the way that I was hearing couples cadence, crescendo, and reverberation in various sessions are toward one another. I’ve been in icy, cold, dark, and moody places with some couples as they explain how dank and hollow they have been feeling for lengths of time in their relationship. Then I find myself thinking as how to start a spark or create light like a match lit in a gloomy cave. I cross my fingers as to whether there is noxious gas in the room or if I have the right fire suit on walking in to try to find the spirits of those who feel so lonely and forsaken. I walk or sometimes run into the conversations they are having because they don’t seem to be so aware of themselves anymore. Frequently couples aren’t listening to how much numbness as entered into their speech toward each other and it’s so apparent to outside ears as they deft, bend, joust at each other attempting to argue old patterns and sometimes win at all cost because they are tired of hurting.

Love one another… such a treatise it is. A Treatise or principle that calls to lessen the self and seek more the other. John 3:30 says something to this effect. He noted the Christ needed to me more than he was because John was finishing his calling and allowing Christ to walk forward into his purposes and mission. Romans 8:1 written by Paul indicates how being in someone or something is so life giving. We forget at times that we made a covenant to be with or without our spouses for the remainder of our days. Our wounds appear more important than living out and expressing life for another. This is a big reason why there is a lot of concern and caution in my way of approaching self help theology. Even the statement of “self help theology” makes me cringe, because Biblically over and over we don’t see the self being something that is exalted. Rather the self is drained of all of it’s ego and joined in the complete and wholeness of the mission and goals of God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

I am still there in my thoughts about how I was sitting on the braided rug in the den, with the wooden floor nearby as a child. The big green faux leather recliner to my right. The amber light of the tuner glowing in the softened room. The warm vibrant tones emanating into the room of truths being talked about that were painting pictures on the mind and heart of a young boy. I am softened at the thought.

Your marriage sounds that you express and hear early on in your marriage will paint rhythms and tones on the life of your spouse and will spill over into the life of your children. I pray that a marriage’s foundation of it’s origin and joy will be returned to in the hollow moments of pain and echoes of emptiness. I pray you find the moments etched in your heart by yourself or your loved one would be murals of peace and bastions of joy. That their echoes will pervade throughout your whole being and be energy producing and healing in the moments of icy, cold darkness.

Considering coming and asking me to enter into your life as a professional provider? Click here and follow the prompts to schedule a time where I can join you with what “little” I know.