Sadness
There hasn’t been any other way to express or feel lately.
Sadness.
Sadness that has overwhelmed me lately thinking about various events in our home, office and nation that have entered into the recesses of my mind. Sadness that has lingered.
Sadness for things in my own life and sadness about my current manner of existing.
Sadness.
I don’t know if you could sense or relate to what I am indicating, but sadness is definitely a feeling, a physical energy, and a mental concern. It continues to draw my attention and it appears that the depth of it’s effect in me is like trying to find the bottom of an Olympic sized swimming pool. I have a hard time holding my breath.
I grew up in Portugal during my teens. There was a house that I enjoyed visiting that was being rented to a manager of an American automobile group. He was overseeing the division that was making or manufacturing various aspects of their business in Portugal. My father was the principal of a school that their children and I went to and we enjoyed having friendships together. We were invited over a few times to enjoy the amenities.
I remember this Olympic sized swimming pool because it was filled with salt water that was brought into the pool from the ocean that was nearby via piping. I don’t know exactly how deep it was. It was too far to reach or I had not known how to do so at the time. Thus the thought about my breath, and my popping ears, and I just remember that being in the pool was more buoyant than most pools because of the salt water.
The pool was tiled in a very traditional way. Inlaid with cobble stones that were ornate dark slate and white lime stone. They had pattern to them. I remember I took the time to float in the pool, using goggles with a scuba mask, and perhaps some fins. I don’t exactly remember, but I remember a lot of my floating was face down and hearing myself breathe in and out of the tube that was in my mouth connected to fresh air at the surface.
I bring up the image of this swimming, because it mostly comes to me when I am thinking about sorrow and the depth of something that I don’t feel the end of. It seems dramatic and yet simple to me.
It enveloped me. It carried me. It appeared to not end. It had no expanse or form that I could feel the end of.
This is the current state I have sensed lately within me due to various events happened around me in the now. I don’t have answers for the sorrow. I have lots of reasons to be sorrowed. I just seem to be living in a state of unknown and overwhelm. It has a certain measure of fear as well because of the lack of future knowing or not knowing. Like the type of fear that you know is there, but you are trying to master something that isn’t quite tamable. A wild thing that one isn’t completely in control of.
So I try to breathe and sit with my sorrow. It’s heavy on my chest. It appears to push down on it and there are tension pains at times coming out in sharp pangs. Like going to get a 6 month cleaning at the local dentist and wondering if they will find the reason for the ache you feel but hoping that the ache is less than you think it is.
I pray frequently that God would help me sustain the pain, come beside me and help me with the yoke. Know what to do, and know how to breathe and move forward. It’s a growth thing for sure. I keep praying. It doesn’t keep me up late at all or disturb my slumber. It just is something I continually need to give to the Lord Jesus because He began the work and is finishing the work in all of use. (Philippians 1)
If you are interested in sharing your sorrow, sad, or pain - I know I am able to care for the process in a professional manner. I do so with quiet calm fortitude and my own personal understanding and knowing. I do so with precision and peaceful care that I hope is Spirit led. Talk seems to help the pangs to come out the most of me. I will be there for you as I know others have been there for me.
Call me and we can talk.