Communication: Key Skills

Dr. Harold C. Urschel III has written the book Healing the Addicted Brain. Some insights in the book related to communication include the following succinct and thoughtful list. I attribute all of the ownership and rights to Dr. Urschel’s thoughts in this list acknowledging they are not my own thoughts but are useful to me to be considered or applied in counseling settings.

• I do not expect others to read my mind.

• I will not let hurts and problems build up. I will address them as quickly as possible.

• I will stop and think before expressing irritation.

• I will give constructive (not destructive) criticism.

• I will address specific behavior, not personal attributes.

• I will express any criticism in terms of my own feelings.

• I will request specific behavior changes.

• I will offer to compromise.

• I will express my positive feelings.

• I will mean what I say and say what I mean.

• I will learn and practice healthy new strategies to calm down.

Looking at this list can be overwhelming at first, but the communication skills that it addresses are invaluable. I relate so often to remembering that my wife or anyone else isn’t in my mind and knowing what it is that is going on. A recent example of this was very apparent to the both of us in our marriage. I was attempting to meet the needs of what I thought was going on without consulting and finding out what the real needs were. I wasn’t attempting to harm or cause pain, but the example was painful and another time to learn and grow in my relationship with my wife.

I frequently talk about my wife in terms of “the most beautiful woman in the world”. She is this to me without a doubt. I admit that in this example I wasn’t putting her first or considering her needs because my objective at the time was for our son’s. We were at Costco on a routine regular shopping trip as a family and as we were checking out, my wife indicated she wanted to make a return of some items at customer service. Seeing that I would be waiting around for this, she suggested that I needed to go to the local snack bar and “get a pizza”. This was simply said You, get a pizza, while I am doing this. I said “OK” and off to the ordering screen I went.

Upon arrival at the ordering screen my objective in mind, I began choosing what I thought I wanted to do for the boys and their needs to get dinner and then get them to bed. I had not expressed to my wife at the time that I really didn’t want to “get a whole pizza” due to being on the last hole in my belt and wanting to be self conscious about my intake. Also that I know my wife considers this for herself, because I thought that getting a pizza was too much temptation for me due to my propensity to eat the meal all at once.

So, back to the screen. I stepped up and punched the ticket for 2 slices of pizza for the boys and a drink for me because I was craving caffeine at the moment. Just then my oldest said, “Hey Dad! You can get a hot dog AND a drink if you push this button!” I had not considered this option and so I thought, “Sure sounds like a good deal to me!” This really factored in the future as I asked the boys if they would want a hot dog as well because I didn’t know if just having a big Costco slice of pizza was going to fill them all the way up or not. Feeling generous I added 3 drink and hot dog meals to the 2 slices of pizza already chosen.

Feeling accomplished with the order I paid and waited for the staff to call our number and indicate it had been fulfilled. Boy! being fulfilled for sure, or sure to get my fill I placed the items in the cart and headed for the door. Getting all the way back to the car and loading all of the items inside before mom saw us, I didn’t think anything other than being quite happy that all was accomplished and as the hunter gatherer for the evening I was in a good place because I got the needs of my boys met and a little extra drink for me.

As I was pulling out of the parking lot I looked over to see my wife’s face twisted and welling up in ways that I hadn’t seen in a while. I noticed it as a look of defeat for me and that I was no doubt guilty of some type of infraction that I didn’t know I was guilty of.

I had not been ahead of the thoughts and making all well with her and us, and she had completely concluded that I was clueless and good for nothing as every other time she had sent me on a mission to get food. Typically I am either not good at receiving directions and planning or I am just an inconsiderate schmuck.

I had not read the mind of my spouse.

Perhaps this is something that comes with time in most relationships but being as long as I have been with my spouse, i am still struggling to meet this need. I was told either then or later that she had plans and that her plan was to combine the full pizza with other items that had less calories for us and that her choice was not heard or honored in what I had done to meet the needs of the boys. I fully expected in my own mind that I would be seen as a hero in my kids hearts and minds and that my wife and I would figure it out. Well let me just say I had a lot of figuring out to do at least for the next 3 hours to come.

All of this conversation or realization was in an instant and I got only as far as a block before I chose to make sure that I would further implode the most beautiful relationship that I have. I chose to tell her repeatedly that I didn’t think I had done anything wrong, that I had not considered what she had in mind because I could not understand or know what the plan was and that I didn’t intend to make such a hurtful donkey out of myself.

I turned back into the parking lot fuming at myself at this point. Before parking and jumping out of the van in full speed with a slamming of the door for the right effect I proceeded to curse myself in front of my spouse at least 3 times and claim that I was good for nothing. This explosion had not been my character as of late because I have tried to work on myself and had some measure of success as of late. Still I could not control the emotional expression, released great amounts of guilt and shame onto my well being and stomped my way from the outer parking area back into the labyrinth of my local Costco chain. I found the order screen, punched in the half pepperoni and half cheese order with a flourish and waited patiently for my number to be called. A lady nearby even asked for help as it was her first time in utilizing the ordering self services and I mentioned to her very nicely that she would have to wait for the number to be called out by the providers behind the serving counter. She thanked me for letting her in on the know as there weren’t any orders to be observed in the moment.

Boy was I proud of the process and moment! I heard the numbers and counted them down until it was my turn to obtain the original prize for what I had needed to come to the station before. Fast walking my way back to my family I attempted to act like a local pizza delivery provider and fit the pizza through my wife’s passenger window for the ride home.

Stony silence is what I recall and also a sped up feeling that now we were behind on bedtime. Arriving home the groceries were unloaded from the back and I provided some entertainment for hungry kids who were already considering how they would eat both a hot dog, a slice and half a pizza on their own.

More polite happenings happened through the evening but it was all polite, which should have been a flag being flown in my direction. I proceeded after dinner and kids in bed to go to my relaxing spot and lay down. A little while later after beginning a show on one of the dot-com’s I heard her slip into bed and make motions for me to stop listening to the programming. She kindly said she needed permission to talk about something and wanted my attention. I was calm, but very, very defensive. I accepted that she wasn’t done with our evening. She noted I was correct and that she wanted to go over every detail to understand the psyche of a man who was willing to be just fine and go to be without a care about what had occurred in her mind as an infraction of the marital rule book. I think the rule is somewhere associated with “Love thy spouse until death do thy part.”

I had not done my part. I had failed to uphold the idea that I would be a model citizen for 4 ears who were listening. That I had no reason to be acting as a child having tantrums, and that I wasn’t the four letter word I had been so expletive about. I reasoned that this was true and felt my agitation storming back to the surface and increasing it’s intensity until I was in a yelling frenzy again caught up in the mental wrestling match of trying to prove that my views and ideas were more sane than her intentions to send me to the counter with 2 boys under 10 years of age and at this point a deranged person branding themselves with the word guilt all over his body.

Finally in a last breath effort I calmly said, “ I saw that you were hurt, and I am sorrowed by your hurt. Will you forgive me?” Her response was, “ Yes! I just wanted you to know how I felt left out!” This meant that all the clouds cleared and there was some type of symphony that began to play in the background as I was then aware that my screaming had woken an 8 year old up. I now had a choice to figure out how to repair my interaction with his mother. I found myself being quite clever as I praised his mother up and down in front of him and told him how I loved his mom and that I was happy to have been and forever will be happy with his mother and her choices to have married me as a pauper.

His half sleepy wide eyed mirth was conclusion that I was doing a good job of overdoing the love job I was giving her and that it was healing to him to know that we work things out in this family and don’t just scream and shout and let it all hang out. We tucked him back into bed and went about finishing tucking ourselves in for the night.

Whew! what a long winded story with one idea in mind.

If you are a couple or an individual in need of a communication tune up. Check out the things above or explore more about what I am willing to provide and relate to your own circumstances so that more communication can clear the gap from woman to man and man to woman. The number one concern of all couples that come to me for marital counseling is will he or she hear what I am trying to let them know?!? I find that even in my own God given relationship I don’t always know what is being conveyed by my spouse because Frank Sinatra “I did it my way…” rings true at times. Mostly take a moment to relate and then consider that a person who has understood his own marriage and worked through things might have a little to say and help with a marriage that is borderline toxic and feels broken.

I am grateful that my lovely bride and I have been married for 13 years this month, and if you and yours would like to find out what has helped us stay more in than out of our marriage, feel free to schedule with me at MY ROOTED SOUL SCHEDULING. I am sure that there are many other embarrassing moments that are practical and well thought out will be shared.